Truly Loose Ends

2 Aug

Tonight I dreamt of you. Only this time, it was you, worse than you actually are. With your face all twisted up, some kind of wicked parody of who you really are.

And you, even thinner than you were the last time we met, and frail beyond anything I could have imagined. I was afraid to touch you, that you would dissolve to my touch.

And mostly you were the only one in this dream who mattered. I dreamt of the house I was raised in, yours but with disappearing doors and walls. Store rooms where they don’t belong, out on the porch. Closets, maybe.

And I dreamt of being the one to protect you from the potential robbers and thieves, and anyone who could hurt you.  An inverse relationship. 

Strawberries. Large and dark like the first ones I recall being offered from my crib in your kitchen. One of my first memories. Me thinking they were sweet the way imported strawberries are not. But you gave them to me because I begged and told you I liked strawberries. But this time, they were on the table, so close yet so far from you. Not yours, the way things are now. Nothing yours. What do you have left now? Some kind of cruel joke, a cruel fate.

I wanted more time with you. I wanted you to be whole again and strong again. Life’s not fair but I am pretty sure that you got more than your share of the butt end of it.   But do you deserve what you have ended up with?  All the passing of the buck, the responsibility.  No.  That just seems to be rubbing salt on the wounds.

I don’t think I understood you more from this dream, but it scared me. I know I keep pushing aside the thought but it haunts me, you were one of the first to arrive in my life and one of the most important. I am afraid that you will also be the first to go.

I was four when we first left on the plane and I cried to leave you then. I know that we have not been close since and sorry doesn’t seem adequate. Perhaps that was one of my life’s biggest mistakes, because being pulled away, I have never, and could never, return. 

I can wish so many things now but it doesn’t matter anymore. I know in the time since you have always seemed to make time, but I not so much always for you. What have I missed?  And I, so undeserving of the smile that lights your face when you see me. 

Who am I to be that important in your life, having left it so long ago and having been so content to leave you behind.  The more time passed, the further we drifted and you entered my thoughts occasionally, but until now, never being a prominent part of it.

I know I woke up crying, thinking something was wrong and maybe I am being paranoid, but I tried so hard not to care before, thinking if I ignored it I could hold on to the memories a bit longer, or, I am not proud to admit it, thinking it couldn’t be that big of a deal.  It was easy to ignore, so far away.  Easy to say it didn’t matter.

The time before last that I went back about four years ago now just before masters you visited Singapore and you were still doing well then. I didn’t put the two and two together.

This last time I was really scared and I didn’t even know how to approach you but I wish I had had more time with you. The rest doesn’t matter.

The rest will still be there tomorrow.

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